The World Spins Madly On
by Lostgirl-Freebird
Summary: Brittany and Santana are happy and things are perfect. That is, until they're not. Future!Brittana. Santana-centric. Changed to M after chapter 4
1. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

**Hey guys. This is a fic that I wrote previously for a different fandom. I wasn't very proud of it, since I didn't spend a great deal of time on it, so I decided to re-write it for Brittana, and have, hopefully made it a lot better than the original. I wanna thank my wonderful beta, Just Keep Breathing, for her help with this first chapter. I should hopefully be updating again soon, since I have the next chapter written out, so watch this space. I hope you all like it! ;) **

**Lost Girl xoxo**

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><p>As I looked down at the girl who was fast asleep in my arms, her nostrils flaring slightly as she breathed heavily, I instantly felt my heart warm. Her soft, golden locks framing her face delicately, the light sprinkle of freckles on her nose and cheeks, standing out against her perfect, pale skin. Her full, rose bud lips forming a slight pout as she slept peacefully and her long eyelashes resting on her full, slightly flushed cheeks. She was so perfect, and so beautiful. She was everything I'd wished for and more.<p>

"Santana?" I heard the soft voice call, pulling me out of my day dream. "I asked you to tell me about the first time you met her…" she prompted, urging me to continue.

**_'That's not very nice…' I heard a soft voice say. _****_'Lord Tubbington says you have to be nice to people, otherwise they wont share their gummy bears with you…' the same voice continued, followed by a small cry and laughter. _**

**_I turned around to find a tall, blonde girl, sat in a puddle, pink lips forming an adorable pout. I don't know what came over me, but I instantly felt the need to hurt the boys that had made you cry. I left my spot on the swing, not even saying goodbye to Quinn, who was telling me all about how her older cousin had actually kissed a boy, and apparently it was super nice and made her tummy feel all squiggly. I just thought it sounded icky and gross, I totally _****_didn't_****_ get why girls would want to kiss boys. I marched over to Noah and Finn, stepping in between them and you. You were soaked from head to toe, your cute little ducky sweater soaked through._**

**_'What are you doing?' I demanded, raising my eyebrow at them. I was a lot smaller than them, but I most definitely wasn't scared of them, I mean, who'd be scared of Finn Hudson and Noah Puckerman? Noah looked like his Mom had stuck a bowl on his head and cut around it, instead of taking him to the hairdresser! I didn't care if they were popular and always made weird kissy noises at me, I definitely wasn't scared of them. I chanced a glance at you, but you were looking down at your knees, still sat in that damn puddle._**

**_'What do you want, Santana?' Noah asked mockingly, which I really didn't like. I took in a deep breath, making my tiny, flat chest as large as possible to make me look more scary, and glared at him._**

**_'Why don't you and Finn go kiss each other and leave her alone. I mean, that's obviously why you're mean to people, right Noah? Because you've got a big old crush on Finn here?' I blurted out. _**

**_My eyes grew wide with what I'd said, and I thought I was going to poop my pants. I was sure to be dead meat now, it's not like Noah and Finn were ever scared of me or anything. In fact, they'd done everything they could to make my life hell, ever since I met them in Kindergarten. I hated them, and they hated me. It was the way it worked. But, for some reason, instead of finding myself flying through the air to land in the puddle next to the pouting blonde, like I thought I would, Noah and Finn stood there with their eyes wide and their mouths hung open, like the way my big brother did every time he saw the girl from across the street leave her house. Though, he usually had more drool than these two idiots had right now. I waited for a few seconds, wondering what was going to happen when they finally spoke, but those seconds felt like hours, before they finally moved again._**

**_'C'mon Finn, let's go play Soccer' Noah mumbled, turning away from me, Finn following like a little puppy dog, as always. _**

**_I turned to face you, and you still, after however long it was, hadn't moved from the muddy puddle. _**

**_'Um…hi?' I tried, scrunching my face up a little. I still didn't understand why you hadn't moved, and it had been like, a long time since you got pushed. _**

**_I knew that by now, your jeans would be soaked through and your underwear would be all horrible and uncomfortable. I remembered when I'd accidentally peed a year ago, and my underwear got all itchy and gross, so I knew that you must be feeling much worse. After a few seconds, you looked up and I felt myself drawn in by your teary eyes. They were the prettiest things I'd ever seen, so big, and so blue. They reminded me of when my Mom and Dad took me and my brother to Florida. The ocean was really beautiful and blue, and it went on forever. That's what your eyes were like. I didn't like the way they were all watery though, you looked like the kind of person who should always have a smile on their face, but instead you were sad and crying. _**

**_'Hi' you whispered. _**

**_You sounded like you was going to cry again, and your bottom lip did that wobbly thing that happens when you're going to cry really hard. Even though you were a lot taller than I was, you looked so small, sat there in that muddy puddle, your duck sweater all dirty. I offered her my hand to help you up and the smile you gave me made my tummy flip. _**

**_'C'mon, let's go find a teacher, see if we can get you some new clothes' I offered as I pulled you to your feet. It was the start of a life long friendship. We were only 10, but I knew instantly, that I never wanted to spend a day away from you. _**

The memory was so strong, it was as though I'd been pulled back to that very moment. I felt everything I felt on that day. The anger that someone had hurt the most beautiful girl I'd ever set eyes on and the way you looked at me with those intense blue eyes, as though you were seeing into my soul. Back then, I hadn't expected to fall in love with you, the silly blonde, who quickly became my best friend and wormed your way into my heart. Though, I guess, in some ways it was love at first sight. There was something about you, Britt that made me want to spend every second of every day with you, and I soon developed a reputation for being a bitch, as I put everything aside to protect you from the evils of the world.

You were so free, and never cared about what other people thought, and your innocence was completely adorable. You saw nothing but the good in people, regardless to what they did or said to you, and a part of me wanted to preserve that. Even from a young age, I knew that I didn't want you to see the bad side of the world. At 10 years old, I'd already seen my fair share of evil. The way my Dad would beat my Mom until she sobbed would forever haunt me, but, you know that. You were there to hold me when, even 10 years later, I still had nightmares about it. You'd dry my tears and hold me close, until I stopped shaking and finally fell back to sleep. When we were 13, I told you all about it and about how it made me feel. How it was the scariest thing ever to see the woman you admired for her strength, and felt so safe around, go from a great lioness, proud and strong, to a helpless, child like version of herself, begging the man she loved to stop.

It was terrifying for anyone, but to see that at 8 years old, was so much worse. You cried with me when I finally broke down and let it all out. You told me that my Mom was still that lioness, because she'd gotten away and hadn't let it hold her back. I guess, seeing my Mom go through that, is why I was always so protective of you. I didn't want to see someone else that I cared about, someone that I saw great strength in, be pushed around until they broke. At 10 years old, I had never imagined that you would have such an impact on my life, nor that that impact would lead me to where I am today, but, I'd never take any of it back. Not a single second.

I felt a small movement in my arms, the body I was holding so close to mine, stirring slightly as she woke up, and as I looked down, I saw her eyelids flutter for a second, before opening fully, showing off that exact same shade of blue, that I had spent a lifetime staring into. They quickly brimmed with tears, as she started to whimper a little, confused as to where she was. I watched her brow wrinkle in confusion as she looked at the other woman, who's warm smile didn't quite reach her piercing green eyes. I tightened my grip on her, as she clung to me, burying her head in my chest as I gently stroked my thumb over her rosy cheek, before kissing her softly on the head.

"It's ok baby girl," I practically whispered, trying to hold myself together. That familiar smell, that had always comforted me, overwhelming my senses. It wasn't quite the same, but it was good enough. From the second she was born, she had been your double, Britt. The same brilliant blue eyes, the same perfect blonde hair. I remember holding her as a baby, just taking in that scent that she'd some how inherited from you. I didn't even think a scent was genetic, but somehow, she got it from you. As she grew and got older, I started to notice little quirks about her, that were so much like you, it was actually scary. Like, the way she wrinkles her nose when she doesn't like something, and the same little goofy smile you always pulled. She's also inherited your love to dance. I know she's only young, but I can tell already, one day, she'll make you proud Britt, I can guarantee it.

"Santana?" Sarah called again, causing me to look up. She was looking at me oh so curiously, as though she was trying to read me, trying to figure out exactly what was going on in my head. She looked from me to our daughter and smiled, as though she had figured out the meaning of my existence, and in a way, she was right. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Sophia.

"I'm afraid our time's up for today," she said sympathetically, giving me that small smile that said 'I'm sorry your crazy, but we'll get through this'.

I hated that smile. As grateful as I was that the hour was up, I couldn't believe it had gone so fast, even though it had been monotonous, and repetitive. The same thing had happened for 3 months now. I'd go in, sit down on the ugly brown couch, and look at our baby in my arms, until it was time to go. It was the same every week. Sarah tried to get me to talk, she'd ask me questions about me, and Sophia, and about you of course. But I didn't see the point in it, any of it. She already knew the things she was asking me about, so I didn't understand why she wanted me to repeat them. She already knew that I met you when we were 10, and that we fell in love. I didn't need to tell her how I loved you from the second I met you. I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want some strange woman prying into my mind, digging to find answers that weren't there. I didn't want her to take our memories, and tear each and every single one to shreds, as she tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I mean, it was pretty damn obvious what was wrong, don't you think?

Still, I was here, and I knew that I had to keep coming. Quinn and Rachel had practically dragged me here for my first appointment, and had made damn sure I went to every follow up. I knew they were just trying to be good friends and look after me, but I didn't want them to, and honestly, it was just so fucking annoying to have them hover over me every single second of the day, like I was made of glass or something.

I didn't reply to Sarah, I just got up from the couch, wincing as I unstuck my legs from the hot leather, and walked from the room, instantly scanning the waiting room for a familiar blonde head. I found her quickly, and settled on soft green eyes and a loving smile, causing me to smile back a little, even if I was still pissed about these damn sessions.

"Hey, how'd it go?" Quinn asked as she closed her book and got up from her chair. I just shrugged my shoulders. I really didn't want another lecture from Quinn Fabray about how I needed to start opening up and talking about stuff, and about how bottling it all up wasn't good for me. I had spent a lifetime ignoring Quinn Fabray, and I wasn't about to break that cycle now, even if we were sort of friends.

As we got into the car, my eyes locked on a pair of blue eyes in the rear view mirror, and it took me a second longer than I should have, to realise that they didn't belong to you. I tried to hide my disappointment, but I guess Quinn's more observant than I give her credit for, because she placed her hand on my thigh and gave it a small squeeze. I know it was meant to be reassuring, but it only made me feel even worse. It just reminded me of you.

**_"Britt, that movie was all kind's of awesome!" I argued, as you scrunched your nose up and shook your head._**

**_"No…I didn't like it" you replied, sporting your famous pout. _**

**_"Why not Britt?"_**

**_"I just didn't get why the girl had to have a gun for a leg. Like… why? And the zombies were really scary" you answered sadly, your pout still in place. I pulled up outside of your house and shut off the engine. _**

**_"She had a gun for a leg because it's totally badass! I mean, did you not see the part where she was on the motorbike? So wanky" I argued, shaking my head. _**

**_I knew you'd wanted to see the new Shrek film, but we were 15 now, and I'd just passed my drivers test. I felt all grown up driving my Mom's car about, and I wanted to see something a little more grown up, to match my new grown up attitude. I'd managed to talk you around with the promise of ice cream and chocolate milk, but I hadn't thought it would make you this sad. _**

**_"Look, I'll take you to see the Shrek movie next week. How's that sound?" I decided to compromise. I never could resist that pout. You seemed to instantly perk up and threw your arms around my neck as you hugged me. _**

**_"Thank you!" you squealed, and I knew that if I got that reaction every time I did something for you, I'd go to the ends of the Earth to make sure your wishes came true. _**

**_"You better go, Britt, we have school tomorrow. I'll swing by and pick you up though, okay?"_**

**_"Okay" you nodded in agreement, that smile still plastered all over your perfect face. You leaned over and placed your hand on the top of my thigh, as you reached in to kiss my cheek, but you must have aimed wrong or something, because you ended up planting a kiss straight on my lips instead. _**

**_I saw the hesitation in your eyes as you pulled back slightly, and I knew you didn't know how I would react. In all honesty, I was so shocked, that I wasn't sure it had actually happened. I'd thought about what it might be like to kiss you before, but that small, accidental peck made my heart leap, and I instantly wanted to kiss you again. _**

**_I guess I must have looked like an idiot with my eyes wide and my mouth hung open, like I was catching flies or something, but I just couldn't bring myself to move. You reached for the handle and went to push the door open, muttering a 'goodbye' as you did, and my body reacted before I'd even thought about what I was doing. I grabbed your upper arm, feeling your toned bicep twitch in my grasp as you turned back to face me. The next thing I knew, I was leaning in to place my lips on yours. _**

**_It was our first kiss, and I'd never been so scared in my entire life, but as you turned back into me, and placed one hand on my thigh, and the other came up to cup my cheek as you kissed me softly, you made all that fear and hesitation disappear. In that moment, all thoughts of what this might mean for us, and what I'd say to people at school, and the internal battle that had already began, as I tried to push away my feelings for you, disappeared, and it felt like it was the most natural thing in the world, to be kissing your same sex best friend._**


	2. We Found Love

**Hey guys! So, here's the second chapter for you, I hope you're all enjoying the story so far! I just wanna say a big thank you to everyone who's favourited the story so far, you're awesome people! Yet again, a huge thanks to my beta, Just Keep Breathing, she's doing an awesome job with the editing :D **

**Oh, also, you may have noticed I name my chapters after songs. Each chapter is named after a song that goes with the chapter, so feel free to listen to the song while reading :) For this song, I imagined the cover version by Almost December, just because it's a more emotional version. You can check it out on Youtube, here: /watch?v=kEVQf7VsHKw**

**So, yeah. That's it. Keep on reading, and please review, I like to hear your opinions/suggestions! **

**Lost Girl xoxo**

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><p>I gently pushed on the stroller with my foot, rocking it back and forth, the motion of it fairly soothing. I watched as people walked through the park, just living their day to day lives and having fun. I found myself watching two young girls, probably about 12 years old, feeding the ducks with a much younger girl, and I couldn't help but smile at the familiar scene. I could practically see it in my mind. You, me and your younger sister Hailey. We pretty much came here every weekend, you both loved it. Your obsession with ducks never passed, and as we got older, and Hailey lost interest, we started to come alone. We've made so many memories in that park, and I'd been going there more and more over the past year and a half.<p>

For some reason, it seemed to bring me peace. It made me feel closer to you, than anywhere else in the world. Sometimes, it was like you were right there with me while I got lost in memories of what used to be. It's crazy how such a simple place as a public park, can mean so many different things to so many different people, and yet, it's taken for granted by the many people who pass through on a daily basis. The people who don't stop to ponder the many events that may have occurred here, and see it as just a simple duck pond, with simple daily activities. Sure, for some people, it probably is just a simple duck pond that they can visit, just to fill time. But for others, it could be a place of great significance, and yet, everyone seems to be oblivious to that fact. They all go by and get on with their day, not stopping to think of what might have happened in the place they are currently occupying. They don't stop to think of the tears that might have been spilled on the very bench they are sat on, whilst they drink their afternoon coffee and read the daily newspaper, or the laughter that may have occurred in the very spot they stand.

"Brittany loved this place." I let out a sigh as I heard Quinn's statement, a not so subtle urge to open up and talk. But I didn't want to talk. Talking was useless. It didn't change anything, I'd decided that a long time ago. There was only one person in this world that I wanted to talk to, and that wasn't going to happen, so no. I wouldn't talk.

"You have to talk about it sometime, San," she sighed, clearly getting frustrated with my lack of co-operation.

"Don't call me that" I replied. My voice sounded strange. Foreign, almost. I hardly spoke anymore, atleast, not to anyone but Sophia, but that seemed easy, because it was like I was talking to a miniature version of you. She's the closest thing I have to you, Britt, and sometimes, when she looks at me, I feel like it's actually you, staring straight through the walls I'd put up, like you always did, and were looking at the real me. The one that was slowly breaking without you there to hold the pieces together. That sounds crazy, I know, but…sometimes, when she looks at me, I can feel your presence, and I never feel as calm as I do in those moments.

"Santana…" she sighed, and I could hear the sympathy in her voice. She knew I didn't want to be called that name. I'd told everyone that I only wanted to be called Santana.

The shortened version of my name, that you had given me, what felt like a lifetime ago, sounded wrong when it wasn't coming from you. I know that sounds weird, because everyone had called me 'San' for so many years, but…without you there, it sounded wrong. You had been the first person to ever give me the shortened version of my name, we'd even carved it into a tree in this very park. 'San and Britt-Britt 4eva'. Back then, I'd told you that the carving would mean we'd be best friends forever, and I knew there was no way we'd ever not be, but what I didn't tell you was that that carving meant so much more than BFFs to me. We were 13, and it was the same day that I'd been so close to kissing you on the lips.

**_"Britt, can you pass me a Diet Coke, please?" I asked, placing my hand over my eyes to shade them from the sun, as I sat up a little and pointed over at the can beside you. I watched through squinting eyes, as you picked it up and looked at it, which confused me, because I was pretty sure you'd seen a can of Diet Coke before, but when that smirk formed on your lips, I knew what was about to go down. Before I could move, you'd shaken the can up and pulled the ring pull back fast, pointing the can in my direction._**

**_"BRITTANY!" I squealed, jumping up from the blanket we'd been laying on. You literally rolled about laughing as I pulled my t-shirt away from my body, pouting at the wet patch that stuck to my skin._**

**_"It's not funny!" I practically growled, glaring at you. I don't know why I was so pissed off, well…I do. I was covered in Coke, of course I was going to be a little pissed, but usually the sound of your giggles made me burst into laughter._**

**_Your good moods and laughter had always been highly contagious. You just ignored me and continued to laugh your skinny ass off. You literally couldn't breathe, you were laughing so hard. _**

**_"You are so dead_****_,_****_" I said firmly, a small smile tugging at the corners of my mouth as I lunged forward at you, pinning you to the ground, whilst sitting firmly in place on your stomach. You squealed as I tickled you, before finally apologising. _**

**_"That's what I thought_****_,_****_" I replied smugly, my lips forming into a perfect smirk. But, as I leaned over you, my wavy hair forming a dark curtain around us, I became completely engrossed in you. It was as though I was seeing you for the first time ever, and my heart was pounding. As I straddled your hips, our chests heaving as we breathed heavily, I could feel your breath on my face, and my smirk fell as I bit down on my bottom lip. I hadn't been aware that were this close, until your warm, gum-scented breath, hit my lips. You looked so beautiful, just lying there looking up at me, with huge blue eyes and a small, lazy smile across your lips, and I just got the most overwhelming urge to lean down a kiss you. _**

**_It scared me so much, I mean, I guess it was because a part of me already knew, and I'd convinced myself that it was wrong, but even though I was kind of curious to see what it felt like, to have your lips on mine, I felt the fear and dread in the pit of my stomach. The seconds that I stayed there leaning over you, felt like hours as I argued with myself over whether I should or not, but I eventually pulled away, my heart still pounding against my ribs., I packed up our things and suggested we go home, not mentioning what had happened, because I was so sure you'd think I was a freak and the thought of losing you over something that I didn't even want, was the worst thing that could happen in that moment. Even if I couldn't kiss you, I still needed you._**

**_I didn't stop thinking about that moment for weeks, wondering what would have happened if I'd just done it. It was the first time I'd ever wanted to kiss anyone, let alone my best friend, or another girl. After that I started kissing boys, just to try to get the thoughts of kissing you out of my mind, but it never worked. When I kissed them, all I could think was that I wished it was you who's lips were pressed against mine, or that I was sure you'd be a way better kisser than those douches I was practically throwing myself at. They didn't give me the same butterfly feeling that I got in that moment when I was with you. When I kissed them, I just felt gross and embarrassed, but the thought of kissing you was positively thrilling, even if it was terrifying at the same time._**

"…Santana!" Quinn called me, shaking me out of my memory. "Where'd you go?" she asked with a gentle voice.

I'd gotten used to the way they all treated me, like I was about to crumble any second, but this time, Quinn sounded genuinely curious. She wanted to know what I'd been thinking about and not just because she wanted me to talk about you, but because she genuinely cared about what had caused me to go so quiet for so long. I felt her thumb brush over my cheek bone, wiping away a tear that I hadn't even known had fallen. The touch was so gentle and I could feel the love behind it.

I hadn't been touched with that much care since you were here. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to have someone love you. I knew that we had loved each other, of course, and that I had never been happier, but that all felt like a different life time, and the feeling of actually being loved, was lost on me. I couldn't for the life of me, remember the way it felt to have you love me, nor how it felt to love you back. This wasn't the same type of love, obviously, but it was still just as pure, and just as honest. Quinn loved me, and she cared, and the way she touched my cheek, as though I were as delicate as a petal, was both comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. Comforting, because it felt nice to have someone show they cared, even though, everyone had done nothing but care and love me for the past year and a half. Heartbreaking, because it wasn't you.

"I was with Brittany" I said simply. Quinn just let out a sigh and I saw that sympathetic look in her eyes as she pulled me into a tight hug.

"Let's get you home"

The car journey wasn't long, not at all. But it felt like it lasted forever, as Quinn drove me back to the house we'd shared. I rested my head against the cool glass, and watched as the world went by. It was crazy, that I'd spent the last year and a half trapped in some kind of time warp, unable to move on from that day, yet, the rest of the world span madly on.

People got up every day, drank their morning coffee, and went by doing their same daily routine. Whereas I woke up every morning, and prayed that I'd dreamed this entire thing, and that the second I opened my eyes, I'd find you lying beside me in our bed, or that I'd go downstairs and find you making breakfast, dancing around the kitchen in that silly apron you bought that says, '_Hey good looking, I'mma cookin_', with some cheesy pop song blasting from the radio.

But every morning, I'd wake up to find your side of the bed cold and empty, and that apron still hanging on the back of the kitchen door, untouched since the last time you wore it. Our house still pretty much looked the same as it did the last time you were here, I couldn't bring myself to change anything. The only difference was the new obstacles that were Sophia's toys dotted around the place, showing signs of a child's presence in the house. It's not exactly the way we'd planned it to be when we bought it, but I know that you'd have dealt with tripping over toys a lot better than me.

**_"Oh my god…" I panted, breathing heavily as I came down from my high. "That was so amazing babe." I pulled you up from where you were settled between my legs, and crashed our lips together, moaning as I tasted myself on your tongue. We both let out a soft sigh as you settled against me, resting your head on my chest. I relished the moments like this. When we'd just lie together, skin against skin. It was my favourite part of sex, feeling our breathing and heart beats synchronise. It made me feel connected to you, even more so than normal._**

**_"San…do you ever think about the future?" You asked after a couple of minutes. You're voice was so small and shy, and I knew you had been hesitant about asking me this. I was known to freak out over things like this, so I wasn't surprised. I wouldn't have been surprised if you'd been wanting to ask me for a while, but had been holding off. Still, we'd been together for 5 years by this point, so it made sense that we'd start talking about the future, especially since we were graduating college in a few short months._**

**_"Sure I do, Britt…why? Do you?" I asked. I understood what you were saying. Had I thought about our future, but I made myself believe you were asking about the future in general. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with you, because everyone and their dog knew that I was totally, head over heels, bat shit crazy, in love with you, and that I always would be. It was just that these serious, deep and meaningful conversations always put me on edge. I didn't do well with talking about stuff, and you knew that as well as me. I guess that's why you just let this conversation, much like the many others we had, flow naturally, and didn't push what you really wanted to talk about._**

**_"Sure. I'm gonna graduate, and I'm gonna be a dancer. And…you're gonna graduate and be the best lawyer ever. But what about after all that? After we graduate college? Do you ever think about what happens then?" _**

**_I took a few minutes to mull this all over in my head, because honestly, I really wasn't sure myself, but I wanted to answer your questions. You probably thought I was trying to stop myself from freaking out, but surprisingly, even to me, I didn't feel myself panic at all. I thought about what would happen after college, imagining a life with you. Marriage, kids, the whole package, and it didn't scare me, not one bit. Just the thought of spending my life with you by my side made me feel warm and happy, and a little excited._**

**_"When we finish college…we'll get great jobs, and our own place…" I finally managed to say. "Do you….ever think about having kids?" I asked hesitantly, tightening my grip on you as I looked up at the ceiling. I already knew that you wanted kids, because it was all you'd spoke about since we were kids ourselves. Besides dancing professionally, your biggest dream was to be a Mom, and I knew that I'd do anything to make that come true for you. _**

**_"Sure. I totally want kids, you know that" You replied casually, and I'm pretty sure that you were trying to keep both me and the conversation calm, but I could practically feel you going dizzy with excitement at the prospect of having children together. "What about you?" You added after a few seconds of silence, prompting me gently to share my views._**

**_"Well…I know absolutely nothing about kids…honestly, they kind've scare me" I admitted sheepishly. _**

**_They really did. I remembered holding my cousin's baby when he was like, a week old or something. I was 14 at the time, and I was so scared that I'd break him, because he was so tiny, but you were amazed by him. You sat with him in your lap for hours, just watching him in amazement as his tiny little fingers opened and closed around your pinky. It was that moment that I knew that I loved you, as I watched your eyes sparkle and your face light up at this tiny human, who you watched with awe, as though he were the most precious thing in the world. The way you handled him, as though it came completely naturally, made me realise that I could never find anyone more perfect than you, and the thought of that scared the hell out of me. But as I lie there in your bed, with you in my arms, I thought back to that day, and how at 14, I knew you'd make an amazing _****_m_****_om, and how every time we looked after Brandon, you were always so amazing with him. I knew in that instant that if I had you by my side, the concept of raising a child, teaching them right from wrong, and helping them choose their path in life, didn't seem so scary._**

**_"But…I wanna have kids with you, Britt. I want everything with you_****_,_****_" I finally confessed. I looked down at you to see you looking up at me with nothing but pride, and it made me feel a little uncomfortable, that you could be so proud of me. It felt undeserving, and unnatural, to have someone look at me as though I were perfect, even though I was sure you'd been doing that ever since the day I pulled you out of that puddle. _**

**_"You and me…we're a two shot. We belong together, Britt and…I can't imagine my life without you in it, standing beside me every single day. I wanna marry you some day, and I want us to have a family, and a house and a fat feline friend for Tubbs to grow old with…. I want that, Britt, and most importantly, I wanna give it to you. Because I know that it's what you've basically spent your entire life waiting for… So…that's what I see in the future" I watched as your eyes brimmed with happy tears, and my thumbs were there, ready to catch them as they spilled over and tumbled down your cheeks. _**

**_"I love you so much" you whispered, still looking at me with those eyes that were filled with adoration, but I looked past my insecurities, and grasped the fact that you, the woman I loved, loved me back just as much, and wanted to spend the rest of her life doing just that._**

**_"I love you too" _**


	3. Who Knew

**Hey! So this chapter took a little longer to get up than the past 2 and I apologise for that, but it's a little longer than the past 2 were, so I hope that makes up for it :) As always thank you to the people who have favourited this story, I hope you're enjoying it, and thanks to my beta Just Keep Breathing for doing a fantastic job with the editing. Please leave me some reviews, just so I know what you're all thinking about the story so far, because I want you to all enjoy reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing it :)**

**The song for this chapter is Who Knew by Pink, which I personally think is a beautifully written song and fits this chapter well, so check it out! :)**

**Lost Girl xoxo**

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><p><strong>Chapter 3 - Who Knew<strong>

I felt the car come to a halt, as I pulled myself from my memories. I knew I should have been sad as I remembered all of the perfect times when we were in love and nothing could come between us, and a part of me was, but mostly I just felt numb. I didn't feel sad, or angry, not like I had at first, I didn't feel anything. It was as though someone had entered my body without me knowing, and stolen my emotions, leaving me completely empty inside. I looked up at the house that we had made our home. The place we had planned our lives, and had wanted to raise our children. It should have been a place where I felt happy because it was another part of you that I had. The living room was still painted that god awful pink that you wanted it. We'd argued a little, but I'd given in to you. Afterall, I never could say no to you. Now, every time I walked into that house, the small signs that you once lived there too, hit me like a ton of bricks. I should be happy to go back to the house we'd chosen together, because you'd lived there with me, but instead, it was just another mocking reminder, that you weren't here with me now.

"Do you want me to come in with you?"

I shook my head, no. I didn't want her with me. I loved her, sure I did, she was my best friend and had done more for me than I could ever have asked, but there was only one person I wanted, and it wasn't her. I got out of the car and stopped to take Sophia from the baby carrier that Quinn always kept in her car. It made sense, since she had pretty much become another Mother to our daughter. She looked after the tiny blonde way more than she should, but a part of me liked not having your mini-clone around. Sometimes she was just too much of a reminder, almost mockingly so.

As I turned to make my way to our house, with our child in my arms, I felt my heart sink. I wanted to convince myself that I'd open that door, to find you there waiting for us both with open arms, but…I couldn't. I couldn't keep convincing myself that you'd be back, when I knew you wouldn't. It hurt too much every time reality came crashing down on me, and I found myself standing alone, with my life partner nowhere to be found. Because that's what you were, Britt. You were my life partner, my significant other. You were the love of my life, and the mother to my daughter. You were everything I ever wanted, and needed. You were the definition of love, all wrapped up in a perfectly bubbly, blonde package. I put my key in the lock and turned it. The small sound of the door unlocking was deafening as it echoed in my ears. I slowly pushed the door open and as it opened up, it was like opening Pandora's Box, as my memories once again, rushed to the surface. All the evils of my mind taking over me, drowning me in everything that was you.

**_I placed the final box on the floor and wiped the sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand. New York was going through a heat wave, the weather had said it was the hottest day in record for over 20 years and I felt all gross as my tank top stuck to my body a little, but nothing could get me down. We were moving into our own house and for the first time ever, we wouldn't have to worry about parents or room mates. It was just us. It all felt strangely 'grown up' of us to be graduated from college, and have our own house, and even though we were 23 and it was a natural step in life, I still couldn't believe we'd made it to this point. I felt your strong arms wrap around me from behind and I instantly relaxed into your embrace as we looked around the unfurnished house that we planned on making our home. The many boxes filled with personal belongings that we'd both accumulated over the years surrounding us. It was the start of the rest of our lives together, and I had never been happier. _**

**_"You're really quiet. What's wrong?" you asked me, your voice so soft in my ear. It made my heart swell and I couldn't help but smile._**

**_"Nothing's wrong. I'm just really happy right now." _**

**_I turned in your arms and wrapped my arms around your waist, holding you close as I leaned up to kiss the lips I'd been kissing for what seemed like forever, but even then, I knew that forever would never be long enough. You sighed against my lips, your breath washing over me, the sweet scent of bubblegum tingling my senses. _**

**_"Hey, Lesbos! Atleast wait until we leave before you start getting all lovey-dovey." The harsh voice broke us out of our moment. I glared at Puck as he and Sam carried each end of a black leather couch, but you just rolled your eyes and giggled, placing a tender kiss in my hair as you held me closer. You knew me all too well, and knew that even though I was so perfectly happy, I wouldn't hesitate to give Puck a beating._**

**_"Fuck you, Puckerman," I mumbled, too content in your arms to even think of a witty insult to throw at him. You had that effect on me. Your presence alone could calm down even the most murderous of angry rampages that I might go on. Just one glimpse of those twinkling baby blues, and my anger would melt like butter. _**

**_"Anyways, that's the last of it. We'll bring the rest of the furniture tomorrow. You two gonna be ok?" Sam asked us, a smile those Mick Jagger lips of his. You just smiled at me, and I felt myself get lost in your eyes again._**

**_"We'll be more than ok," I replied, just wanting them to leave so that we could be alone in our house for the first time. They didn't hang around for long though, clearly knowing that we wanted some time alone, which wasn't surprising since I'd spent the entire day talking about how I couldn't wait to have you to myself. There was something so incredibly sexy about the way the sweat dripped over your muscles as you lifted all the heavy boxes, handing me the lightest of them all, but still hovered over me, asking if I was ok and could manage. It was your way of showing that you cared and didn't want any harm to come to me. If it were anyone else, I might find it completely irritating, to have someone question my strength and ability to carry a few boxes, but with you, it just made me fall even more in love with you._**

I took a deep breath and took my first step into the house, and as soon as the door closed behind me, I felt that familiar feeling kick in. The same one that had been settled in my heart for well over a year now. It was similar to the emptiness I felt, but it was different. I couldn't quite explain it. It was as though my entire body stopped living. My heart stopped beating, my lungs stopped breathing, and my mind shut off and went into auto pilot, automatically doing the things that I knew I needed to, in order to keep going. It was as though, when I was out of the house, my body would breathe that little bit easier, and my heart would start back up again, as though my body knew I needed to seem as though I was somewhat 'okay' to other people. But when I was in the house, behind closed doors, it all shut off again, resting and waiting for the time when that door would open again, and I'd have to go back to pretending.

I walked up the stairs and straight into Sophia's bedroom, the pale yellow walls another reminder of you.

You'd chosen the colour, stating that you wanted her room to be all happy and sunny. You sat and watched, your hands cradling your small bump, as I decorated the small bedroom, though that was more my doing than yours. I didn't want you or our baby to get hurt. I placed her down in her crib, removing her jacket carefully so that I didn't wake her. I didn't think I could bare it if I caught another sight of those eyes, it was all too much for one day. I loved her, I really honestly did, but sometimes she was yet another reminder of what I didn't have anymore. But, she was the biggest part of you that I had left with me, and seeing it that way helped sometimes. I didn't have you, but you had given me the best part of me that you could. I leaned down and placed a soft kiss to her pale forehead, smiling slightly as it scrunched up the same way yours used to when you slept. I took off her little baby sneakers, and placed them in her closet along with her tiny denim jacket, before switching on the baby monitor and leaving the room.

I made my way downstairs and into the living room and everywhere I looked, I saw you. The couch where we'd spent nights cuddled up watching movies. I saw us there as though it were happening right in front of me. I saw the times we'd made love on it, too eager and lost in each other's touch to go upstairs to our bedroom. Our pictures still sat on the mantle piece, your smiling face grinning at me time and time again as I wrapped my arms around your waist, or you gave me a piggy back. One picture in particular caught my attention. I don't know why it did today, of all days. I'd gone over a year, successfully ignoring this picture in particular, but today it practically jumped at me from the mantle piece. It was as though you were there, begging me to remember you, but the truth is Brittany, I never forgot you. Not for a second. You were always there, in my mind. Everything I did, reminded me of you, even if I didn't want it to. I've tried to forget you, but it's like you're there, constantly forcing these memories on me, willing me to never forget you. To not forget the love we shared and the happiness we felt. I haven't forgotten that fact, that we were happy and in love, but I can't remember what it feels like to feel that anymore.

I slowly walked to the mantle piece and picked the picture up, holding it between my hands. You looked so beautiful that day, standing there in your dress. I can see the love in your eyes as you look at me, our image screaming out from the frame. You've got your forehead touching mine, and the biggest smile on your face and I'm sending it straight back at you. It was the happiest day of our lives, and the picture shows it. Our toothy grins and loving eyes telling everyone who sees it that we were in love and our love would last forever. That day still seems like a dream to me. It flew by so fast, but that didn't matter to me. Not at the time. I just wanted you to be my wife.

**_I was pacing back and forth as my stomach did flips and my heart raced. I was so nervous, I didn't know it was possible to have so many emotions course through my body at the same time. My hands were shaking and I seriously felt as though the single slice of toast, that I'd barely managed to force myself to eat, was going to reappear any second._**

**_"Santana, relax," Quinn chuckled, appearing in front of me. She took my hands in hers and gave me a small smile. "Everything's gonna be fine, ok? You just need to calm down."_**

**_"But, what if…" I trailed off, about to go on the same fearful rant I'd given not five minutes before._**

**_"Everything will be fine" She interrupted firmly, giving me a much larger smile this time. "You have a visitor," she informed me, her gaze cast just over my right shoulder. I turned and couldn't stop the huge grin that appeared on my face._**

**_"Mami!" _**

**_"Oh my, mija. You look so beautiful," she breathed, as she pulled me into a tight hug. When she pulled back and held my face in her hands, I saw the look she gave me. It was similar to the look you gave me when I said I wanted children with you. She looked so proud of me, and I saw the tears form in her eyes, causing my own to start._**

**_"I can't believe my baby girl's getting married!"_**

**_"Mami…don't cry, because then you'll make me cry and Quinn wont be happy if she has to redo my make up."_**

**_"You bet she won't," I heard Quinn chime in, causing both me and my Mom to chuckle. She led me to a small couch in the corner and sat beside me, taking my hands in her own._**

**_"I'm so proud of how far you've come, mija. After everything you've been through, you deserve this. You deserve to be happy" she said, as though she were telling me something I didn't already know, but I did. I knew I deserved to be happy, even if sometimes I doubted that I deserved someone as perfect as you. _**

**_"I'm sorry you don't have your father here to walk you down the aisle" she added cautiously. I couldn't believe my ears. Was she seriously apologising for what he had done!_**

**_"Mami…don't apologise for that. That wasn't your fault, and…I don't want him here. I'm not sorry he's not here. I have you to give me away, and I wouldn't have chosen anyone else," I practically whispered, unable to get my words out any louder. _**

**_I could hear the crack in my voice as I spoke, a sure sign that I was going to cry, but I didn't care. I needed to tell her that I didn't blame her, and that I was proud of her for everything she'd done. _**

**_"You are the strongest, most admirable person I know, and I've spent my entire life looking up to you. I'm proud to say that you're my mom, and I'm so happy that you're gonna be there beside me as I walk down that aisle, because honestly, I don't think I'd make it otherwise," I watched through blurred vision as my Mom let a few tears fall down her face, and as she hugged me, I no longer felt like the little girl in her arms, the way I usually did. Instead I felt like her equal and her friend._**

**_I waited nervously outside the huge double doors of the hall, waiting for my cue to enter. I bobbed on the balls of my feet anxiously, before my mom hooked her arms through mine._**

**_"It's time," she informed me with a smile, which I only managed to half return, as my fear and nerves took over me completely. The doors opened and I took in a huge breath as I prepared myself to walk the path that led to you._**

**_"Don't let me fall," I whispered, biting down on my bottom lip as I took that first shaky step._**

**_"Never," I heard her whisper right back, as she squeezed my arm gently. _**

**_That walk was only short, but it felt as though it took forever. At first, I kept my eyes firmly on my feet, trying so hard not to fall on my face, but as soon as I looked up and saw you standing there, looking so incredibly beautiful in your white floor-length dress, your hair pinned up in an intricate up-do and that loving smile on your face, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. I ached to touch you, to be beside you and to kiss you, but the walk felt like it would never end. It was like one of those weird dreams people sometimes have, where they're walking down a hall to get to a door, but the hall never ends and they never reach the door. That's what this was like, you were my door and you seemed so close, but also impossibly far away. _**

**_After what felt like an eternity, I finally reached you. My mom took my hand and placed it in yours, as a symbol of her giving me to you. I saw the way your face lit up as our hands wound around each others, both of us grasping tightly as though we were each other's lifelines. I stepped up onto the small platform and felt tears prick my eyes already, at the prospect of being your wife in less than half an hour's time._**

**_'You look beautiful,' You mouthed, and I'm sure I blushed because you got that goofy little grin that you always got whenever you managed to make my cheeks flush. _**

**_The ceremony was pretty much a blur, even then. I knew the minister had started talking, but his words flew over my head. It wasn't until he turned to me and asked me to recite my vows, that I tuned into him. I looked into your eyes and smiled nervously, I was never good at talking about my emotional feelings, especially not with a room full of people watching, and I think you read my mind, because you squeezed my hands and gave me a small nod. I looked into your eyes, shining so brightly, much more than usual, and I forgot about the other people in the room. I forgot that there was a minister standing just feet away, and Quinn and Rachel flanking our sides, as well as Kurt and Blaine. In that moment, it was just me and you, and I felt so safe, pouring my heart out to you._**

**_"Brittany…the moment I met you, I knew you were something special, I mean…when a lanky blonde girl's sat in a muddy puddle, wearing a bright yellow duck sweater like it's the most normal thing in the world, then you can bet your ass they're all kinds of awesome," I started. My heart warmed as you let out a small chuckle, flashing me your teeth as you smiled so widely. _**

**_"I was 13 when I first realised I wanted to kiss you, and it _****_wasn't_****_ until we were 15, when you accidentally planted a kiss on my lips, that I knew how much I loved you. You made my heart feel like it was gonna fly out of my chest, and you've made it feel like that every day since. A few years ago, we spoke about what we wanted our futures to be like, and I told you that I wanted to marry you someday, but I never told you why. You're my best friend, my lover and my soul mate, and while I know that our love is pure and will last a lifetime, I want our relationship, and our love to last way beyond that. So, with this ring, I promise that I will love and cherish you for eternity. I'll never give up on you or let you down in any way, and I'll be the best damn wife you could ever wish for" I finished, as I slipped the ring up your finger, stopping when it bumped the sparkling engagement ring that already sat there. I saw tears form in your eyes, and I wanted to kiss you so badly, but I knew it wasn't time yet. I brought my hands up, and wiped away your tears with my thumbs, trying my hardest not to smudge your mascara. The minister turned to you and gave you permission to speak your vows, and as soon as you opened your mouth to speak, my heart sped up, as though it wanted to break free and give itself to you personally, but I'd already done that. You've had my heart since we were 13 years old, and I'd realised how much I wanted to kiss you._**

**_"Santana…I never quite knew why you came to rescue me that day on the playground, after all, I was just 'a lanky blonde girl, sat in a puddle, wearing a bright yellow duck sweater," you repeated my statement, causing me to giggle and shake my head a little at your silliness. "…but you looked past all of that, and you saw the real me. Over time, we became best friends, and eventually you opened up to me and gave me your heart to look after, even though it was the hardest thing for you to do. What you didn't know, was that you already held mine, ever since the first day we met. You were my hero back then. You protected me and looked after me, and you've continued to do so every day since then. I do wonder though, if you knew that, the whole time you were protecting me, and looking after my heart, I was doing the same right back. I've spent every day since we were ten years old, looking after your heart, even when you thought you'd given it to someone else. When it was broken, I took all the pieces and put them back together again because I hated to see your heart pieces. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to hide your heart from me, so, with this ring, I promise to protect your heart forever, and make sure it never gets broken again" I was practically sobbing by the time you finished your vows, and I couldn't stop my hand from shaking as you tried to slide the silver band onto my finger, but we got there eventually. The last few words the minister spoke, were lost to me, and the next thing I knew, you'd lifted me off of the floor and our lips were crashing together as the people around us clapped, and whooped and cheered. The kiss didn't feel nearly long enough, but I knew better than to be one of those couples that have a long, awkward kiss. _**

**_"I love you so much," I cried, a huge smile on my face as you led me down the aisle as your wife._**

I looked down at our smiling faces, and how happy we were, and I couldn't help but feel jealous of the people in the frame. It didn't feel like that was us. I didn't feel like the smiling girl in the picture, was the same person as me, not when I couldn't even remember the meaning of what it was to be happy, now. It felt like a whole other lifetime ago, and it made me so angry. I didn't even think, before I launched the picture across the room. I didn't even flinch when the frame shattered as it collided with the wall. I sunk to the ground and curled my knees into my chest, as I began to sob. It was the first time I'd felt anything in so long, and the anger and sadness hit me so suddenly, that I didn't know how to cope with it. I felt as though my chest were caving in on itself, crushing me slowly. Every raspy breath I took, burned as the air painfully eased it's way into my lungs. I couldn't see through the tears that splattered to the floor beneath me, and the blood that pounded through my head, almost deafened me, but I was sure I heard the front door open, and as I looked up, the first thing I saw was a flash of blonde hair.

"Britt!"


	4. Here With Me

**Hey guys! Sorry this chapter took so long to get up, I had some family stuff to be dealing with, along with working a lot of overtime, etc, but I finally got this finished and my beta, Kay, has done a fantastic job, as always, with the editing/structuring of this chapter. You might have noticed that I've also changed the rating to M, so expect some mature scenes in this chapter! I almost have the next chapter finished, so hopefully it shouldn't take so long to get the next one up :) Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, I hope you're all still enjoying this :) **

**The song for this chapter is Here With Me by Dido. It's a beautiful song, so check it out! **

**Lost Girl xoxo**

**Oh, also, I have tumblr, if any of you wanna get in touch with me, I'd love to hear from my readers and see what you're all thinking of the fic so far :) _.com_**

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><p><strong><strong>Chapter 4 - Here With Me<strong>**

"Britt!"

"No, honey. It's Quinn," she sighed, helping me sit up. "Are you ok?" she asked, and as I blinked a little, pushing the tears from my eyes and my eyes adjusted, I focused on her face, the disappointment sinking in as I realised that it really was Quinn, and not you. I didn't know how to reply to her question. Was I ok? Answering that question was more complicated than it probably should be. Physically, I was fine. Maybe a little underweight where I'd not been eating properly, and pretty much exhausted, due to lack of sleep, but apart from that, I was fine. Mentally? Emotionally? Not so much, but I still wasn't sure I was ready to talk about that.

"What are you doing here? I thought you went home?" I asked, suddenly realising that Quinn hadn't actually come into the house with me.

"I was sat in the car outside trying to decide whether I should try to get you to talk, and I heard a smash, so…I used my spare key…" she explained. "What happened, Santana? Talk to me. Please."

She was literally begging me to open up to her, but…I couldn't do it. I stood up and walked into the adjoined kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. I drained the bottle and took a few deep breaths. She just stood there watching me. Waiting for me to talk to her. To tell her how much I missed you, and that I couldn't sleep at night, because you weren't lying there with me. I never thought I'd have to spend a night alone again, Britt, but now I'm always alone, and it physically hurts. It was my worst nightmare, you know. To be lonely. It was the thing I always feared would happen. That I'd grow old with nobody by my side, and be forever alone. Now it seems my worst nightmare, has become my reality.

"Santana, bottling it all up like this…it's not healthy. You need to start talking to someone, before this all gets too much for you." She tried again, but it was as though she hadn't said anything at all. Her words went straight over my head.

"I'm tired. I'm gonna sleep," I mumbled. I made my way to the closet under the stairs and pulled out a duvet and some pillows, tossing them onto the couch, before I kicked off my shoes and settled down, knowing I wouldn't get any sleep.

"Why are you still sleeping on the couch? Have you even tried to sleep in the bed?" Quinn's voice was beginning to get louder, and I could tell she was getting frustrated with me, but it didn't change anything. I just laid there staring at the wall, as though it had all the answers to all my problems. She was right though. I hadn't slept in the bed. I couldn't physically bring myself to sleep in our bed, or any bed for that matter, without you beside me. It felt too big, too empty. Fuck, I could barely go into our bedroom, let alone sleep in the bed. The whole room held far too many memories for me to handle. All those nights we'd made sweet, endless love, as though it would be the last time. It would all come rushing back to me. Our soft moans and heavy breaths echoing in my head, as though it were happening right then and there.

**_"I set up a bed for us on the floor for tonight," you whispered into my ear, wrapping your arms around me from behind as you joined me in the bathroom. It was our first night in our house, and we didn't have a bed yet. Your parents had offered to book us a hotel room for the night, but we wanted to get into the house as quickly as possible. Spending a night on the floor couldn't be that bad. As long as we had each other, we knew we'd be just fine. I turned in your arms and leaned up to peck your lips, before cuddling into you._**

**_"No offence babe, but you really need to shower," I chuckled, having just showered myself. You just giggled and kissed my forehead._**

**_"I'll be super quick," you promised, whipping your top over your head before winking cheekily._**

**_"I'll meet you in the bedroom," I giggled, as I tightened my towel around my wet body. _**

**_When I entered the bedroom, the lights were dimmed and there was a nest of duvets, blankets and pillows in the middle of the floor, just like we'd done so many times as teenagers, when we'd camp out in your dad's office for an entire weekend, and watch back to back Disney movies. I quickly dried my body off, and roughly towel dried my hair, before crawling into the nest, cuddling up in the fluffy blankets, while I waited._**

**_You came in not long after, your towel wrapped tightly around your body so that it subtly showed off your curves. _**

**_"You look so cute right now, all bundled up in those covers" you said, your eyes shining brightly as you smiled down at me, making your way towards where I was lying in the middle of the room. _**

**_"Mhmm, you don't look so bad yourself" I purred back, my eyes trailing your body, noticing the way the droplets of water glistened against your pale skin and your wet hair stuck a little to your cheek bones as it framed your face. You dropped your towel as you reached me, revealing_****_ your perfect abs and my body ached to touch them._**

**_"Come here. Now," I purred, causing you to smirk. You walked over and climbed in beside me, wrapping me up in your arms. _**

**_"Ew, Britt. You got me wet," I giggled, as my, now dry, body moulded your wet one._**

**_"I always get you wet," you quipped back, wiggling your eyebrows. I couldn't help but shake my head at your silliness, chuckling lightly. _**

**_"So cocky," I whispered. You leaned over me, capturing my lips into a sweet, loving kiss. I felt my heart rate pick up as you deepened it, and I moaned at the feel of your warm, velvety tongue brushing over mine. I wrapped my arms tightly around your back and they slipped a little against your wet skin, but I still managed to keep the contact there. _**

**_"I love you so much and I'm so glad we finally got a place of our own" you mumbled against my lips before placing your moth back on mine. _**

**_"Me too" I replied, completely under your spell as your lips maneuvered their way down my throat and along my collar bone. _**

**_"My favourite part is that I can make you scream as loud as I want, without having to worry about anybody over hearing" you whispered seductively, before pushing your tongue into my mouth. _****_I let out was a slight hum of approval as your tongue grazed affectionately over mine. I felt you buck your hips against me, causing my breath to hitch as your core came into contact with my clit and I was already positively dripping for you, you just had that effect on me._**

**_"Britt," I moaned softly against your lips, as you ground your hips down into me again. You chuckled as you moved your lips from mine, and placed small, tender pecks along my jaw and onto my neck. I tilted my head back to give you more access and you sucked on my pulse point, causing me to let out another moan. I wanted you so badly in that moment. I wrapped my legs tightly around your waist, and you continued to grind into my wet heat, getting more and more forceful with each thrust of your hips. I ground my hips against yours, already feeling myself begin to start soaring high. Our movements got more aggressive with each thrust, and eventually, I felt your hand snake down between our bodies, ghosting over my stomach, before cupping my mound. Your fingers circled my clit, working me up a little more until I begged for more, before you slowly pushed two fingers into me and began to pump them in and out of my tight entrance. You sucked and bit at my skin, leaving harsh red marks scattered across my body and I knew I would enjoy seeing them for days to come. I dug my finger nails into your shoulders, the tips of them sinking into your flesh as I rocked my hips into your hand, letting out soft moans as I climbed steadily closer to my high. Our bodies were practically melting together, as we rocked into one another, your fingers hitting that spot inside of me, that made my legs tremble. I could feel your heart beating against my chest, our movements dancing to the rhythm of our synchronised heartbeats. I felt that familiar pressure building up inside of me, as though there was a tight knot in my stomach, burning away and getting impossibly tighter with every movement. _**

**_"God, Britt…I'm so close," I moaned. With a few more thrusts of your skilled fingers and a swipe of your thumb over my swollen clit, I was coming undone, freefalling from the high you'd given me. My body shook uncontrollably, and my heart felt as though it were going trying to break free from my ribs._**

**_"I love you," I panted, as I tried to get my breath back. You just giggled, and pulled your fingers out, letting out an appreciative moan as you sucked them clean, which just turned me on all over again. You knew how much I loved it when you sucked my juices from your fingers, it was probably one of the sexiest things you could ever do. It didn't take me long to flip you over and return the favour._**

**_We spent that entire night, making love in our little nest. It was the best way to spend the first night in our own house. Skin on skin, sweaty limbs tangled together as we passionately worshipped each other's bodies._**

I felt the sofa shift by my knees, pulling me back from my memory of that night. Quinn had sat beside me, her concerned gaze trained on me, as though she were trying to read me, but only you could do that, Britt. Nobody else had ever figured out how to get into my mind, that was your trick. I felt a tear trickle down my cheek, I hadn't even known I'd been crying, but apparently I had. Maybe that was why Quinn was looking at me so weird, she'd never seen me cry before. I quickly rubbed the tears away with the palms of my hands, trying to swallow the stubborn lump that had formed in my throat, but it didn't work. Instead of going away, it just swelled until it broke, and with it, I let out a huge sob. My body shook as tears spilled from my eyes. My chest burned as I took in deep, shuddering breaths, and my heart physically hurt with every beat it made. I felt my walls come crashing down, as the emotions that I'd been keeping locked away for so long, finally came pouring out of me. It hurt so badly, Britt. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to blink, fuck, it even hurt to think. I literally felt as though my body was giving up on me bit by bit.

"Oh, Santana," Quinn breathed, as she pulled me into her body, holding me close to her. I felt my body physically shake beside hers, as I tried so damn hard to stop myself from crying, but it seemed the harder I tried to stop, the harder I cried.

"I just miss her so fucking much," I cried, feeling another stabbing feeling to the heart, as it broke that little bit more. I felt as though I was slowly sinking, even further than I already had, and it scared the hell out of me, to feel so out of control of my emotions, and to have them go from zero to a hundred in the space of about ten minutes. I gripped Quinn's top with my fists, needing something to anchor me before I sank too far and lost myself completely.

"I know you do sweetie, we all do," she hushed, as she smoothed my hair back and rocked me gently. I don't know how long I cried for, but it felt like it lasted forever.

Still, Quinn held me close and whispered reassuringly into me ear, hushing and rocking me to calm me, much like she'd done to Sophia so many times. It felt almost foreign to be held, it wasn't anywhere near as comforting as it would have been if it had been you, but I hadn't been held like that in so long. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like, to have someone's arms wrapped around me, holding me close. I'd forgotten how nice it felt.

Finally, after however long it had been, I wasn't really sure, the concept of time didn't really make sense to me anymore. Sometimes, I'd sit and stare at a wall for hours without realising it, other times, 30 seconds would feel like an age. But after however long it had been, I finally calmed down enough to pull back a little. I looked up at Quinn and saw nothing but love and compassion in her eyes, the sympathy was there too, but I think I'd learned to block that out a long time ago. I don't know how it happened, but my body must have acted before my brain did, because I found myself leaning in. Before I know it, my palms her anchoring into her thighs as our lips collided. I don't know what compelled me to do it, maybe my brain was confused, because the last person who had ever shown me that much love and care, had been you. The last arms that had held me as I cried, holding all the pieces together like some form of human superglue, had been yours, and the last eyes that had looked at me like I was important and had made me feel so incredibly loved, had been yours. Like I said, I don't really know what happened, or why I did it, I just know that it wasn't the solution I needed, because the solution was you. Kissing Quinn didn't make me feel better, it only reminded me that I didn't have you here to kiss, which made me feel a million times worse.

"What the hell are you doing?" Quinn gasped as she pulled away from me, pushing me backwards by the shoulders.

"I-I…I'm so sorry, I….oh my god" I stuttered.

"I think I should go…"

"No, Quinn. Wait! Please let me explain!" I begged as she made her way to the door, hot tears spilling from my eyes. She spun around and glared at me. The love was still there, but it was hidden, deep beneath a thick layer of confusion and frustration. Her eyes flashed with a little anger, reminding me of when she was Head Cheerio, and was just a constant angry, bitch.

"Explain what, Santana! You just basically tried to shove your tongue down my throat. I'm happily married, incase you'd forgotten." She stated firmly. Her tone was calm, but dangerous, a hint of her bitchiness coming through, and honestly, I think I'd have preferred it if she'd screamed at me, hell I'd have even taken her punching me in the face. Anything would have been better than the calm and understanding, but still pissed off tone she was using right now.

"I know, I…I don't know why I did that…"

"Santana…I get that this is hard on you, I really do. But you need to get your shit together, because we cant keep running around and saving your ass for much longer. I already put my ass on the line trying to save your job for you, which I clearly shouldn't have bothered doing, seeing as you still didn't show up, and your boss still fired you, which I totally don't blame him for. Rachel missed her big chance, because you didn't pick Soph up from her house and nobody could get in touch with you… Santana, do you not see how you're dragging everyone else down with you on this route to self destruction, you've got going! You need to snap out of it. You have a beautiful daughter, who loves you and depends on you. Don't screw her life up too." She lectured, and I knew she was right. I was so caught up in this huge black cloud that was hanging above me, that I'd not only started to ruin my own life, but everyone else's too. In that moment, I knew that I didn't deserve friends as good as I had, I didn't deserve anything good. Everything that was perfect in my life, seemed to turn to shit. You, our friends…the only thing I hadn't ruined was our daughter, and I wasn't about to let that happen.

"I want you to take Sophia for a few nights," I mumbled, not looking her in the eye. She didn't respond, so I looked up just in time to see her nod her head slightly.

"Okay," she replied, her forehead scrunched in confusion, but she didn't question me. She just went up the stairs, and came back a few minutes later with a bag of baby clothes and our daughter in her arms. She headed towards me, I'm assuming so that I could say goodbye, but I held my hand up and shook my head, tears still streaming down my face. I didn't want to say goodbye. I couldn't look into those eyes and say goodbye again. I just couldn't do it.

"Just go," I choked, as I felt myself begin to cry again. Without another word, she was gone, taking our perfect daughter away from me, so that I couldn't ruin her with whatever poison it was that I seemed to emit.

As soon as I heard the door close, my knees buckled and a sob rose in my throat. My body instinctively curled in on itself, as though it were trying to protect itself from the heartache and self hatred that was taking over my body. This feeling was nothing new though, I was all too familiar with these feelings. I pulled myself to my feet and headed into the kitchen, not bothering to wipe the tears from my face since I knew that more would just fall and replace them. I went straight for the cupboard and pulled out a large bottle of vodka, gripping it tightly in my hand as I unscrewed the cap. I scrunched my nose up a little, the fumes hitting my nostrils as I placed the bottle to my lips and began to drain it, relishing the burn I felt as the clear liquid hit the back of my throat. I didn't stop until I was almost a quarter the way through the bottle. After a few minutes I began to feel the slight buzz from the alcohol, but it wasn't enough. You were still there, clear as crystal in my mind.

I went back into the living room, bottle in hand, and headed for the DVD cabinet, finding what I was looking for instantly. Placed in a thick, cream case, it was pretty hard to miss amongst the hundreds of Disney movies, and chick flicks, that had hardly been touched since you left. I took the disc from the case and popped it into the player, pressing start on the controller as I made my way to the sofa.

_"Brittany….good morning, angel,"_ I heard the voice of your mother, the shaky camera focused on you as you rolled over in the bed, eyes fluttering open. A huge smile appeared on your face as soon as you woke up enough to notice the camera and realise that it was your wedding day. I bit my bottom lip and swallowed hard, before taking another swig of Vodka, again, appreciating the burn I felt as I swallowed it. Tears were streaming down my face, and anger pulsed through my body as I watched the entire DVD. The whole morning before, the ceremony, and the reception, all caught on camera. I watched every nervous glance, and every tiny, encouraging smile, seeing it all just as clear in my memory as I was on the screen. Every kiss and every word, echoing in my mind like some twisted kind of nightmare. Except, it wasn't. It was the best day of my life.

_"Santana! Brittany! Over here, girls!"_ Your dad's voice boomed from the tv. We both turned to face the camera, huge grins on our faces. You're arms were wrapped tightly around me as you spoke to the camera.

_"…happiest day of my life…..gonna love her forever…."_

Those were the only words I could focus on, letting out a hollow chuckle at the last part. You were so wrong about that one, Britt, so fucking wrong. I physically flinched as I saw you on the screen, turn and pull me into a kiss, the camera zooming in. I paused the screen, freezing our faces mid-lip lock, and downed the last of my vodka in the hopes that it would stop the pain in my heart. I looked back at the screen before hurling the empty bottle at it, causing both the bottle and the screen to break with a satisfying smash.

It seemed as though no matter what I did, you didn't disappear from my mind, I could still see you everywhere. Every little thing was a vast reminder of you and everything you had done to me. All the good feelings, and the bad, would come rushing back to me, taking me over completely, and I hated it. The Vodka clearly hadn't worked, because there you were, with your brilliant smile and those eyes that I'd, apparently, never forget. I went to the cupboard where I kept all the medicines and pulled out a bottle of anti-depressants, slamming it on the table. I struggled a little with the lid, but I eventually got it off, the pills spilling over the table as the bottle tipped. I looked down at the pills that were scattered across the table, and placed my hands on the wooden surface. They were practically telling me to take them as I constantly reminded myself of how throughout my life, I'd only ever managed to wreck everything that was good, and that somehow, I must deserve everything bad that had happened. Somewhere along the line, I must have done something that was so incredibly fucking bad, because bad stuff only happens to bad people. That's how Karma works, right? What goes around, comes around? I looked back down at the pills, picked up a handful, and took them one by one.


	5. The Drugs Don't Work

**I realise I've been away for a REALLY long time, but I do have a good excuse, so I hope you'll all forgive me. along with being sick for the past 6/7 weeks, I've gotten a new job, and so am now working two jobs and barely have time to do normal people things like, ya know, eat and sleep, so the fic kind've went out the window a little, but I'm finally over this flu/bug/whatever the hell it was I had, and I'm managing my schedule a little better, so I managed to finish this. I wont be updating as often as I used to, but I am determined to get this finished, so stick with me, I promise it'll be worth it ;) Anyways, I made this a little longer than usual to make up for my absence, so I hope you like it and will all forgive me for my tardiness! **

**The song for this chapter is The Drugs Dont Work by The Verve. If you don't know it, I suggest you go listen to it, because it's a truly beautiful and amazing song**

**Lost Girl xoxo**

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><p><strong>Chapter 5 - The Drugs Don't Work<strong>

"Santana!"  
>I looked up at the sound of your voice, the gentle touch of your fingers on my cheek. My heart felt as though it were beating again for the very first time, and I felt so safe and secure in your presence.<br>"What did you do to yourself?" you asked, your voice full of worry and sadness. My eyes focused on yours, your bright blue orbs burning through me like they had done so many times before. I held back a sob, as I placed my hand over yours, feeling the warmth of your skin on mine.

"I….I'm sorry" I choked, tears falling from my eyes and rolling slowly down my cheeks. You hushed me and held my face between your cheeks.  
>"Don't be sorry. This isn't your fault, Santana. None of this is your fault, ok?" you said firmly, staring straight into my eyes, looking for that confirmation that I was listening to you. I was, of course I was, but I didn't agree with you. I couldn't help but feel solely responsible for the mess my life had become.<p>

"Britt….does this mean-"

"Shh" you cut me off, placing a finger over my lips. "Don't ask that question." you added with fearful eyes. "I love you, Santana. I always have and I always will. But you need to not focus on me right now, and focus on yourself. You have to stop torturing yourself like this, because it's not healthy, and it pains me to see what you're doing to yourself. You need to be happy and live your life without regrets and without thoughts of me controlling your actions" you said gently, the pad of your thumb stroking over my cheek bone. "You need to not do this" you said, pointing to the bottle of pills on the table and the few that were left in the palm of my hand. I looked down at them and it felt as though they were taunting me, daring me to take them. My fingers loosened and they fell to the floor, scattering for freedom across the lino.

"I'm scared. I'm so scared about what I'm gonna do to myself…. I need you" I sobbed, taking in a deep, shuddering breath. You just looked at me with that look, that said that you disagreed but understood, your brow furrowed slightly and a sympathetic small, smile on those gorgeous lips of yours.  
>"You don't need to be scared. You're strong and you can get through this. You just need to stop focusing on me, and live your life. I want you to live your life." you said firmly, before you leaned in and gently placed your lips on mine. Another sob rose up and came out against your lips, my eyes squeezing together at the gentle touch. I reached out to wrap my arms around you, but they swung through the air before wrapping around my own body. I opened my eyes, the feel of your lips long gone, and stared at the spot you had stood in not five seconds before.<p>

"Brittany!" I screamed, that lump in my throat taking over as I sobbed harder.  
>"It'll be ok Santana" I heard your voice in the distance. I suddenly felt freezing cold, as if someone had just dumped my entire body in ice cold water, causing me to shiver and my teeth to chatter.<p>

"Santana! Santana, can you hear me!" I heard a voice, but it wasn't you. I didn't know who it was, but I knew for sure it wasn't you. I felt a sudden stinging feeling on my face and my cheek started to burn as the blood rushed to that spot.  
>"God dammit Santana!" I heard another voice, a man's this time, followed by more pain in my cheek.<p>

I opened my eyes and gasped loudly as I felt a hard slap to the face. I coughed and spluttered before I felt hot bile rise up my throat and come out my mouth, spilling down my front. It took me a second to realise that I was sat in my tub with the shower pouring freezing water onto me. I was sat sideways in Puck's lap, my head on his shoulder and it had been his hand that was slapping me.  
>"It's ok Santana. You're gonna be ok" he hushed, holding me close, despite the fact that I was still covered in vomit, though, most of it had washed away.<p>

"Brittany…" I managed to whisper, my voice sounding croaky and weak as I tried to talk. I winced at the pain in my throat, before heaving again, more vomit crawling up my throat and down my front, before getting washed away by the water that was still raining down on me.

"I cant believe she did this" I heard someone say, their voice breaking as they spoke. I opened my eyes again to see the blurred figure of a brunette woman being wrapped up by the arms of a much taller man. I didn't need clear vision, nor a clear mind, to know who it was, but I didn't even have the energy in me to throw a witty insult at her, the best I could do was let out another bought of vomit, though that caused more offence to Puck, as I threw up down his t-shirt, than it did to Rachel. My throat was sore and my stomach hurt so bad, but it felt good to throw up, and the water was wearing off my drowsy state quickly.

Finally after almost half an hour, Puck lifted me from the tub and carried me to our bedroom, where he laid me on a towel on the bed. It was the first time I'd laid on this bed since you've been gone and I instantly panicked. My heart was racing and my lungs felt constricted, as if someone was squeezing them tightly, making my air capacity painfully small.

"No" I managed to squeak out, trying so hard to pull myself up and off of the bed, but my body was too weak, I could barely move my arms. "Get me off" I tried again, but Puck just looked at me like I was crazy.

"Santana, you're ok now" I heard Rachel's voice, one of her hands running from my forehead and over my wet hair, smoothing it off of my face. They didn't get it. They didn't understand.

"K-Quinn" I managed to whisper. I knew she'd know why I was panicking and would tell these idiots to get me out of the damn room.

"Call Quinn" I heard Puck practically shout, but his voice was getting distant and everything was growing foggy as I started to feel light headed. My chest burned with every breath I took and my throat felt unnaturally dry, as if someone had stuffed it with cotton wool. I couldn't tune into the voices in the room, they seemed so far away as I tried to focus on my breathing and tried to keep myself calm. But I couldn't, every time I closed my eyes, images of you and me, in this room, on this very bed, flashed into my mind, as though they wanted to torture me for everything I'd done to make you go. I was being tortured by the happiest moments of my life, and it made me want to die, and scarily enough, I almost had.

"…she's on the bed and she's like, panicking, I guess. She looks like she can barely breathe…..what! Why!…Ok, ok, don't shout at me!" I heard Rachel say, clearly on the phone to Quinn, and I felt myself relax just a little as I heard shouting coming from Quinn's end of the phone. She had become my safety net, and just the hushed sound of her voice on the phone seemed to calm me just enough for me to begin to control my emotions again.

"Get her off the bed and into the guest room" I heard Rachel say, before I felt myself being lifted up.

I felt a slight rocking as Puck walked, and finally, the comfort of the guest bed as I was placed on it. After a minute or two, I felt someone sit me up against some pillows and place a glass by my lips, water wetting them slightly, telling me to drink, so I did. I let shaky breaths out of my nose as I tried to remember what my Mom had told me so many years ago when I'd had a panic attack. Breathe in for five and out for five, keep your breathing nice and slow and focus on something to keep your mind off of it. I took in enough water to wet my throat and pushed the glass away, feeling my breathing even out a little, though my heart was still beating erratically. I opened my eyes, my vision still slightly foggy, but I could tell that it was Rachel sat in front of me, holding the glass. She leaned forward and wrapped a towel around me as I began to shiver and I smiled appreciatively.

"Th-thanks" I whispered, my teeth chattering together.

"You're welcome….did you…did you want me to help you get changed into something warm and, you know…dry?" she offered. I considered it in my head, and my brain instinctively told me that I did not, under any circumstances, want that Shire living freak touching or seeing my naked body, but I knew that it was either her, Puck or Finn, and well…Finn's just plain awkward and would probably be a bumbling wreck whilst he tried not to look at my boobs or something, and I still didn't trust Puck to not try it on with me, and not get a boner over the sight of my tits. I knew that Rachel was my best option, since I couldn't even sit myself up, let alone stand and get changed, so I just nodded my head and for the first time ever, I admitted that I might actually need her help. I could tell that she was itching to say something about me needing her after all, but she didn't. Instead she gave me that awful, beaming smile, as though she'd done the best thing in the entire world and gave me a firm nod before rushing out of the room.

I couldn't believe I'd actually put myself in this position again. I mean, I thought I'd learned from the first time, when I'd almost made my life even worse than it was already. When Quinn had threatened to kill me herself if I ever tried anything like this again. When Rachel had not so subtly told me that you wouldn't have wanted me to feel like this, causing Puck to have to hold me down to the bed, because I'd attempted to jump out and strangle the troll for having the audacity to try to tell me what you would or would not want me to do, as though she knew you. I knew that you wouldn't have wanted that for me, but to hear her say it, stung a hell of a lot. I felt myself subconsciously run my fingers over the white scar that stood out against my skin, and remembered how I felt that day.

**_I stared at my reflection in the mirror and it was the strangest feeling ever. It was like I was there, but not there at the same time. I could see myself and I looked no different, maybe the shadows beneath my eyes were a little darker than usual, and my face a little slimmer, but the rest looked the same. I still had tanned skin and dark hair, my eyes were still brown and my lips were still full. But something was different, and it made me look like a whole different person to the one I had been six months before. My skin, though still tanned, was a lot paler than before, and didn't have that same glow it used to. My hair was still dark, but instead of shining and bouncing, it laid limp and lank just below my jaw. I hadn't even had my weave done, I'd had it taken out and refused to have another put back in. My lips were still full, but they were dry and chapped, where I'd not moisturized them in what felt like forever. This wasn't a big change, but I definitely noticed it. The biggest change of all though, was my eyes. Though they were still that same shade of brown that they'd always been, they looked empty and lifeless. They didn't have the spark that they'd previously held, and they didn't show any emotion, not even sadness. I was looking right into the eyes of a zombie._**

**_I didn't even think before I did it, I definitely hadn't planned it that's for sure, but as I turned off the taps of the bathtub and climbed in, in just my underwear, it all felt so right. The luke warm water licked at my skin as I lowered myself into it. My brain was so shut off, I didn't even feel it, it was like my body was there, but my brain had shut down completely and I longed to just feel something. I didn't care if it was sadness, happiness or anger, I just wanted to feel something._**

**_The blade glinted in the light as I picked it up between my finger and thumb, catching the reflection of my eye in the tiny piece of metal, before I sunk the tip of it into my skin, and dragged it down my forearm. I didn't feel anything, no pain, no emotions…nothing. Not even when I did the same to the other wrist. I just watched with lifeless eyes, as thick, dark blood flooded sluggishly from my wrists and dripped down, changing the perfectly crystal clear water to a deathly red. I watched as it went from a light, translucent pink, to a clear red, my mind growing foggier as the water grew darker._**

I woke up that evening in a hospital bed. Apparently Quinn had come round to check on me and Sophia, she'd opened the door to hear our six month old daughter crying loudly, so had gone to calm her down. When she'd calmed her, she came to find me. She came into the bathroom and found me unconscious in the bathtub, lying in a pool of my own blood.

I looked down at the scars on my forearms, tracing one of them with my forefinger. The light, jagged line running from just beneath the crease of my wrist and about three inches down my forearm. I hadn't wanted to be saved. In that moment when I picked up that blade, I had wanted to die, and the scary thing was, I'd done the same thing last night, unintentionally. I hadn't actually thought about killing myself, but I'd been prepared to go to any measures to stop myself from feeling the way I was, and although I knew it was stupid to think that way, deep down I knew that I could easily do it again.  
>"Ok, I got you some sweats and a hoody, I hope that's ok?" Rachel said as she came back into the room, her voice strangely compassionate, instead of the usual judgmental tone she used around me.<p>

"Yeah…thanks"

She made her way over to me and helped sit me up, slipping the hoody over my head, before I let the towel that was wrapped tightly around my body, loosen from around my chest. She struggled a little to help me get my pants on, but we managed it, without me having to flash my body to her. I didn't want anyone to see my body, nobody had since you had gone, well, apart from when Quinn had found me in the tub, but even then, I'd had underwear on. Besides, I knew I'd lost a lot of weight over the past 18 months, and I didn't want to see that look in Rachel's eyes, when she saw just how skinny I had gotten. I knew it would be the final tell tale of just how bad things had gotten, and even though I wanted to fight this depressed funk I'd gotten so sunk into, I was more scared of anyone finding out just how fucked up I was.

"Thanks" I mumbled as I settled back into the pillows.

"You're welcome" she replied, a small, sympathetic smile on her lips. "Are you doing ok, Santana? I mean…I know that's a pretty stupid question, considering what just happened, but…what I mean is…what happened to make you feel that…doing….that, was the only way out?" If I'd had the energy, I'd have rolled my eyes at her, I knew that atleast one person would think I had intentionally tried to kill myself. The fact that it was Rachel 'Drama Queen' Berry wasn't exactly much of a surprise.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself, Rachel. I just…forget it" I sighed, not really wanting to open up to anyone, especially not Rachel Berry.

"Santana…you know I'm here if you want to talk about this. It's not good to keep this bottled up-"

"I didn't try to kill myself!" I practically screamed at her. I felt the anger surge through me, as I began to grow frustrated at the accusation. An interrogation would be bad enough if I had tried to do it, but the fact that it was a completely innocent mistake, made me feel even angrier. Rachel didn't look too fazed by my outburst, though I could tell she didn't quite believe me.

"Ok…" she sighed, nodding her head a little as she patted my arm. It all felt a little patronizing to me, as though she was treating me like I was going to top myself at any second. "You know you can talk to me though…if you did start to feel like…before…right?" She was so awkward about it and I could tell she was trying her best not to anger me anymore.

"Yeah"

The room fell into silence for a few minutes and for the first time in my life, I wished that the hobbit would say something to break the awkwardness that had set over us. She must have some radar or something, either that or she just doesn't have the ability to keep her mouth shut for more than two minutes, because it didn't take long for her to bring up a whole other topic that I really didn't want to discuss, causing me to immediately wish for silence again.

"How are your sessions with Sarah going?"

I didn't quite know what to say. Not because I didn't know how my therapy was going, honestly I still didn't quite see the point in it, but because I didn't want to tell her that I still hadn't really opened up to Sarah. If I told her that, she'd dig to find out why, and it'd be like therapy all over again, Rachel Berry style. I just shrugged my shoulders, hoping that it would be a good enough response. Of course, it wasn't.

"That doesn't answer the question, Santana" she sighed, and I could tell that she was getting tired of me brushing off anything remotely to do with you.

"What do you want me to say? I hate those sessions, they're pointless" I answered as I looked down at my fingers. You'd laugh if you could see how much I'd changed, Britt. I'd gone from the confident HBIC I prided myself in being, to someone who barely spoke and avoided eye contact. I was barely a shadow of my former self, and I'd quickly realised that I had never been living for myself. I had been living for you.

"They're not pointless, they're supposed to help you get better"

"Yeah, well they're not!" I argued, my voice raising a little again, my eyes still cast downwards. When Rachel didn't respond, I chanced a glance up to find her looking at me with that pitying look that everyone had been giving me. That look made me hurt even more. It made me realise even more, that I wasn't the person I had been 18 months ago.

"San-"

"Everyone thinks that the quick fix is to throw me into some quacks office and make me talk about how I'm feeling" I interrupted, finally looking up at her properly. I could feel that lump in my throat that told me I was going to cry, and I knew I should stop talking before I did, but it was like verbal diarrhoea. I just couldn't swallow the words down anymore, and they were pushing against my throat until it physically ached, as they struggled to get out.

"You all want me to talk about how I'm feeling, but honestly, I think it should be pretty fucking obvious. I'm alone, Rachel. The person that I love, is gone, and you wanna know how I feel about that! About the fact that the woman I planned to spend the rest of my life with…the woman I wanted to raise a family with, has gone. All I have left of her is Sophia, and it hurts me to look at her every single day, and see Brittany staring right back at me. It hurts to hold our daughter, when I know that Brittany wanted to do that more than anything, and she never got the chance to. It hurts that I get to be here with the most perfect, beautiful person on this planet, and watch her grow and learn… I get to see all the amazing things our daughter does, and Brittany has missed everything. Her first words, her first steps, that warm, happy feeling I got when she first laughed…Brittany lived for those moments, and she missed all of them, and that hurts. It hurts Rachel, because I've lost my wife and my daughter is growing up without ever even getting the chance to know her Mom. That's how I'm feeling."

She looked at me with some weird, stunned expression on her face, and I instantly felt the fire release from my shattered heart, only to be replaced with anxiety and self-consciousness. I hadn't spoken about any of this to anyone, so I think for me to blurt all that out was a bit too much for Rachel to take in. It was all the truth though. We'd planned everything together, Britt, and you were so excited when we started planning our family. You couldn't wait for us to have a tiny human that was all ours, to mould into a perfect combination of the both of us.

_**"I really want our baby to look like you" you said randomly, breaking the peace, the hum of the TV in the background. I looked up at you in confusion, unsure of where that statement had come from. You shuffled a little as you looked down at me and I lifted my head off of your chest, resting myself on my elbows which were placed either side of your body. We'd been lying on the couch watching A Walk To Remember when you said this, a film that has nothing remotely to do with children whatsoever. But then again, I was used to you blurting out random and irrelevant things, so I shouldn't have been surprised, this just confused me a little, because we'd never actually really spoken properly about having children. I knew we both wanted a family, and we'd both said we wanted kids, but we'd never sat and spoke about when or how it would happen.**_

_**"When we have a baby…I want them to look like you. I want you to carry our children."**_

_**It's safe to say that I was more than a little baffled by your statement. I had never even thought of the possibility of me carrying out children. Whenever I imagined our future, I always saw us with tiny blonde haired, blue eyed children, I had no idea why, I just never saw myself to be the one to carry our babies. I guess it's because I always knew how much you wanted to have babies, and babies and pregnancy pretty much go hand in hand.**_

_**"Um…I dunno, Britt…I mean…I guess I never really thought about me ever getting pregnant…" I said awkwardly. I was never really good at talking about deep and meaningful stuff like that, but I didn't want you to think I was against the idea of having kids with you, because honestly, the idea of us having children and starting a family together, made my stomach grow warm and fuzzy. I had always known that you'd be an awesome Mom some day, and even though I was completely unsure of my own parenting skills, I knew that every time I was bound to fuck up as a parent, you'd swoop in and make it all better for me and our kids.**_

_**"I wanna have kids with you, Britt…I really do, I just…I never imagined being pregnant, and honestly… I kinda like the idea of our kids looking like you."**_

_**You smiled at me, the same smile you always gave me when I let myself open up just enough to show you what really went on in my head, though, I'm sure you always knew. You were the only person who could really read me.**_

_**"You're going to be an amazing Mother Santana, and I know that you doubt yourself a lot, especially about that, but I know you better than anybody else, and I know that you'll be the best Mom ever. I know that whatever happens, whatever trouble or danger our kids might get into, you'll do the best you can to teach them right, or protect them. You're the strongest, smartest person I know, and you've got the looks to boot, and I want our children to be like you. Strong, smart and beautiful" you said, your arms wrapping around me tightly, like my own personal comfort blanket.**_

_**You always knew exactly what to say to make me feel like the best person in the world, and in that moment, I felt as though I could do anything. I felt like that person you were describing me to be, and I wanted to be that person for you.**_

_**'Ok' I whispered, a small smile pulling on the corners of my mouth. I was still terrified of what this meant, but for you, I'd do anything. Unfortunately, Mother Nature's a bitch, because not only does she like to grace the entire female population with cramps and bleeding every month, but she also decided that my monthly 'gift' wasn't going to bring me any extras, since after six long months of trying to conceive, and failing, the doctor confirmed me infertile. For the first time since we were kids, I couldn't keep my promise to you. I couldn't give you what you wanted and not only did I feel like a failure as your wife, but I felt like a failure as a woman. I had failed to be able to do what women had naturally succeeded to do for millions of years.**_

"You know…Brittany wanted me to carry our baby" I whispered into the silence, letting out a small, humourless laugh. "She thought I'd be the perfect role model for our baby. She thought I was this strong, fearless woman, and that I'd pass on good genes to our child…but she was wrong. I am so glad that I can't have kids, because I would be the worst person to pass my personality on to. I mean, I've almost killed myself twice in the past year. I'm the furthest thing from the person she thought I was" I mumbled, shaking my head a little.

"You are not a weak person Santana." Rachel said after a minute. She placed her hand on top of my own, making me look up at her before she continued.

"Brittany wasn't right about a lot of things, but she was right about that. You've been through so much, and you're still here. Sure, you almost died, but the fact that you didn't, and that you fought against death not once, but twice…well, you've either got that strength inside of you that Brittany said you do, or you're the most stubborn person on Earth… I chose to believe that it's a little of both" she added with a small smile that actually made me smile back.

"You are the strongest person I know Santana, and it pains me that you can't see that, but I do understand that we all have those moments where we doubt ourselves, I mean, I can't tell you the amount of times that I've actually doubted my destiny to be a star, but although it's a hard road to go down and I've face many obstacles in my journey and surely have more to come, I know I'll reach the end eventually. You just need to believe that there is that light at the end of the tunnel. I know that right now, it's a dark and dreary place, but you're not walking blindly. You have people to guide you, and I know that I'm not your favourite person, but I'm there, walking beside you for you to lean on if you need, and you have Quinn and Puck, and Finn…and I know that you think it's pointless, but you do have Sarah there to help guide you too. All you need to do is reach out for us" she finished, and for the first time ever, I actually felt grateful for a Rachel Berry speech.

I didn't know how to reply, and after a few minutes of silence had gone by, I think Rachel took my lack of response as a refusal for help. She gently squeezed my hand and went to get up off of the bed, but my body reacted before my brain, and I found myself clutching at her wrist, my heart pounding in my chest. She looked back at me as I looked up into her eyes, and I knew that she could read the fear and sadness in my eyes.

"Stay with me?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper and sounding more vulnerable than I'd have liked it to, but at this point, I was so emotionally stripped that I didn't care to try to hide it. Rachel nodded and climbed onto the bed, settling next to me against the pillows. I found myself curling into her, gripping her tightly as if I would float away without her. She had become my anchor, atleast for the moment. She'd made me feel closer to being human than I had felt in a long time, and I didn't want that feeling to go just yet. For the first time in longer than I could remember, I felt as though my heart could one day, start to beat again.


End file.
